(This article was written on a plane between Dallas and Austin at 4:27 PM on Friday December 2nd, 2005 during one cold can of Foster’s and an impressive view of the Texas sun setting to the southwest.)

1. Drain 7th Coors Light while slamming on the golf cart breaks as you screech to a halt at the par-3 No. 14 tee, splashing beer suds down your chin and neck onto your golf shirt.
2. Carelessly grab a 7-iron without looking at the scorecard or trying to determine any sort of yardage while starting a conversation about the hot Brazilian nanny or teenage babysitter recently acquired by your loving wife.
3. Fart.
4. Attempt the always entertaining belch cuss-word blurt while honing in on the target to concentrate on the shot.
5. Grab your crotch and linger for a moment, thinking to yourself how good it feels.
6. Back away from the ball just before swinging to double down on whatever wager is at stake.
7. Speed your swing up and unwind so hard you slice the hell out of the ball, stumbling in your follow-through and quickly shuffling your feet in order to avoid falling on your ass.
8. Cuss loudly and utilize Spalding’s trademark “Triple Farts!” all the while acting surprised that you hit the first half-ass shot of your life.
9. Open 8th Coors Light on the way to the green and talk smack the entire time you enter the swamp and prepare for your “birdie chip”.
10. Take dead aim, whisper “I got this mother fucker” to yourself, close your eyes, and splash the bejesus out of the stale, bacteria-laden swamp, making sure you follow through while closing your eyes to avoid slime from splatting into your contacts.

There are times in life when a man has to do what a man has to do. Whether it’s sliding over to the window seat to take advantage of the always satisfying attractive-girl side jugg view, or shedding the golf shoes to hit a shot from snake-infested sewage slime just for the remote chance of saving one stroke in an attempt break 120, real men listen to their inner macho and know when to take action.